Friday, October 21, 2011

a touch of ppd, and mom's astounding, kick-pants chocolate sauce recipe

[written Wednesday]

Today, I have a terribly messy house and brain, and they both seem to get more cluttered as the hours tick by. I am noticing a pattern. The day after a very full, busy day, I am completely demotivated. When I write that out, it's clear to me what I should do: either pace myself so that even the busy days have time for rest, thereby making the next day less pendulum-ey, OR let myself totally relax the next day (as much as possible with two small children) and indulge in life-ful things without mind for where they fall on my never-ending priority list. Instead, I generally attempt to combat the demotivation by walking around listlessly, starting small tasks and not finishing them, and feeling like a failure for not accomplishing something.

I have managed to keep our fire going and all of us fed today, but that's about it. And when I say "fed," that includes one meal of protein bars. So, there you go. Oh, wait. I have also let Kaladi in and out of the house 13 or 19 times.

Anyway, I think I've got a touch of the old postpartum depression. It's nothing major. Nobody needs to jump into their cars and race over here to intervene. I just have felt a little out of mommying mode and more into whatever mode it is when you lay in a big fluffy bed and eat ice cream all day. I don't have a fluffy bed, so that, among other reasons (two with names that begin with Z) has made that particular fantasy impossible to live out.

We took Ziah to a pediatric appointment at around three months, and they had both Jason and I fill out postpartum depression surveys. I guess I scored a 7 on mine, but the Doc said they aren't worried until it reaches 10. I thought it was funny that we didn't even talk about the questions that lead to the 7 score. I don't know what the high score is, but like my sister said, "10 they're worried, 7 they ain't?! New doctor!" But anyway, yeah, I think it's just a touch of ppd. Reminds me of my childhood. Whenever any of us did something repetitive, we'd say we had a touch of Tourette's. One of my brothers has Tourette's, you know, so we're allowed to use humor and still have it be PC. And if it's not PC, frankly, my dear, I don't give a fruity tuesday toot-a-loot boogers for brains.

I was talking to a friend who learned recently that ppd can take a lot of forms, some of them surprising. Neither of us had really considered ourselves ppd-ers, because we weren't depressed in the ways we envisioned that term to mean. But for both of us (only when we had boys - anyone else have that experience?), it has come as anxiety and also fear of bizarre things. For example, I am daily afraid that little Ziah will be sent to a concentration camp. Um, that would be a perfectly rationale fear in some parts of the world. Not as likely here. But you know what? Life can change in a hurry. Countries can fall apart in a hurry. The point remains though that it's not one of those fears I can DO a lot about, and worrying about it is neither improving my quality of life nor warding off concentration camps. Besides, when I let loose of some of the more ridiculous fears, I have time for the ones like a tiger dragging the children through the bedroom window at night while we sleep. Stuff like that.

All of this is going someplace besides strictly a venting session, not that there would be a problem with a straight up venting session. But the place that it's going is that on days like this, I feel like making a batch of my mom's kick-pants chocolate sauce recipe, which I'm not going to do this particular day, on account of lacking motivation. Doh. Anyway, Mom got this from a magazine or something years ago, and it is a family favorite. It is pretty much the best taste ever, if you're a fan of dark chocolate. I may have posted it before (?).

Mom's Astounding Kick-Pants Chocolate Sauce
1 C sugar
2/3 C cocoa powder
1/2 C cream
4T butter
2t vanilla

Combine all ingredients but the vanilla, and heat to boiling over medium-high heat, stirring frequently. (I first combine the sugar and cocoa powder to each other, to cut down on lumps.) When the sauce is well blended, Stir in 2t vanilla. Serve warm over ice cream. Drop your jaw at the mind-bending delicious factor.


melissa said...

Hang in there, Lor! I feel you, you know I do. Pregnancy and baby acquisition are hard deals, tough on the bodymindsoul. Amazing, infinitely rewarding, and tough. You are brave and strong and endowed with more common sense than most. Hang in there! Eat lots of protein, surround yourself with lots of light, and make sure you get enough B vitamins. Omega 3 fish oils are my pharmaceuticals... But mostly, know that you're a cool cat, and that you're not alone!

I hear you, on the fears. They can be pretty big. But they are way more powerful as fears than as possibilities. ♥

melissa said...

Oh, and kick ASS CHOCOLATE! Thank you!!

Shana said...

Hey-did you know that the most common complication of pregnancy is ppd? And, you are can take many forms. And-it can happen up to the babe's first birthday. I know of that test you is the edinburgh postnatal depression scale. I actually have a link to it on my births r us site if you want to take it for old times sake!!! But, it is true....they teach us that 10and above is when we should start to consider intervention of some sort. Bizarre. I'm glad you have a kick-butt, wonderful supportive Husband as that will help. Hang in there and vent all you want!!

Rachel Clear @ Clearly Speaking said...

First, sister, that line about not giving a tootsy thing: hilarious.

I feel sad that you are feeling this way, but I know you are handling it well and that you are going to not feel this way forever. That makes me really glad.

CRAZY that you worry about concentration camps because I worry about that EXACT SAME THING, in addition to Bennett being sent off to war. I used to always worry about it with David, and I was so relieved once he passed the age of being drafted. At least, if Zi and B were even sent to a camp, they could go together and with Zi's strength and B's brains (not that Zi won't be smart too, but B certainly won't be very big) they could organize an escape for EVERYONE and pretty much rescue everyone. And if Zi inherits Jason's survival skills and outdoor knowledge and such, then you're set. So turn that fear into a hero fantasy instead, about the boys rescuing everyone else.

Or not going to the camp at all, I guess. That would be better.

I love you so much. I want to come there for a month. Okay, that's what I'll do.

Christi said...

Crap....I never even thought about concentration camps.

Love you, Lori.

Rena said...

I know what you mean about starting little things but not having the emotional motivation to finish. When I'm doing that, I KNOW I'd feel so much better if I'd just get with it and finish something, cross it off my list, but instead I leave it hanging over me for another day.

I'm sorry about the ppd. I wish you weren't so far away :( And I hope it's helped lots and lots by fresh creamery ice-cream and chocolate sauce. And good coffee along with it. ♥

I worried about my boys going off to war. Never thought of concentration camps, but Rachel does have a good solution, so no more worrying about that.

Rena said...

By the didn't ask my permission to share my recipe with the whole wide world! I had planned to someday sell it and retire on the earnings. It was my ace-in-the-hole, my golden cushion, my investment that I've spent years perfecting. Gone now. Poof!! I guess you'll just have to support me in my old age ☺