still walking and waking

I have sat down to blogged many times.

Um, make that "to blog." I'll leave that typo as a delicious indicator of fatigue.

The soundtrack to my life includes at the moment a fit-throwing infant. For no reason that we can tell of. I think she's over-tired and just can't deal. It almost always happens late like this, but none of the husband's tricks are working tonight. He's fixing to lay down with her on his chest and let her cry. So...as I was saying, I have sat down to blog many times with lots to say, but I look around the house and see receiving blankets, clothes, bags of tortilla chips, computer cords, and dirty dishes haphazardly strewn about, and I am drawn to put them in their places. I don't know why, because as soon as I turn my head, they go back to where they don't belong.

Entropy: a process of degeneration marked variously by increasing degrees of uncertainty, disorder, fragmentation, chaos, etc. [Webster's College Dictionary, Fourth Edition]

We're at five weeks. Some of my primary thoughts throughout the days (which all run together) are these:

1. HOLY CRAP! WE HAVE A KID!
2. What extra activities should I prioritize? "Extra" being talking to people I love on the telephone, taking a bath, writing thank you cards, and cooking real meals, where the food is hot and has multiple ingredients.
3. How on EARTH do single moms do this? I have a great support system, with a husband who has been home since the birth on account of not starting his next job until February, and a mom and pops who live right upstairs! And I'm still worn out.
4. There is a chance we are too old to be starting in on this. Like, we sort of stuck our tongue out at Nature, and now she's sticking hers out, right back at us.

I really can't complain on the whole. I have had plenty of socialization and opportunity for games and frolicking. I guess the specific problem, if you can call it that, is the lack of solid sleep. There is a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture technique, after all.

But enough of all that. Here are the redeeming moments!

1. Zoralee has been smiling more and more intentionally, and let me tell you, the power surge that goes through me when that happens, wow!
2. She is much calmer about everyday experiences like getting a diaper change, somehow realizing now that we are not, in fact, trying to kill her.
3. She loves baths! When she first hits the water, she's skeptical, but skepticism defines her anyway, so that's nothing. Then in an instant, she relaxes and actually rests her arms on the edge of the tub. It's rad.
4. What a sweet experience to hold her tiny body against me while she nurses. Her brows finally un-furrow after a long day of being grumpy, and she relaxes to the point of hypnosis.
5. And here's perhaps the best thing so far. Last week Zoralee was lying on the bed without a diaper, for the purpose of airing out her bum. I was standing nearby. Jason was on the bed at Zoralee's head, cooing to her and poking gently at her stomach, remarking that it seemed a bit bloated. All at once, this child let loose a blast of poo that shotgunned across the room. Both of us saw it. If we had a video of it, we'd be millionaires. Jason's first words were "GO GET THE MEASURING TAPE," which I did. Travelling distance was six feet, folks. And it would've been way further if it hadn't been stopped by the bassinet, because there wasn't a lot of elevation drop even at six feet out. Jason's next comments were that he was so proud of his daughter, and that even he couldn't have done that.

So yeah, the last point there wasn't initially a redeeming moment for me, because Jason had to go to an appointment and I was left to clean it up alone. But now it makes for a good story. When I told Luke over the phone, his comments mimicked Jason's almost exactly: this was the best thing he'd ever heard of a baby doing, and that even he couldn't have done that. Yes, she is making us proud.

Okay, pictures will be posted soon! Maybe even one or two tonight, before I crash.