After I put Zoralee to bed, I found myself hemming and hawing around the house and distracting Jason from his reading with random tidbits of conversation. I was on my way to bed, but came back to ask Jason if we should find out what the sex is if it turns out to actually be two babies. We decided probably not. If a surprise is a surprise, why aren't two surprises two surprises? Then I said that if we find out something's wrong with the baby, like seriously wrong, I want to know the sex. Jason asked why. I wasn't sure. As I'm analyzing now, do I think a less than perfect baby isn't worth being surprised over? No, I don't think so. I would just want to know the most I could about the little being I was praying and weeping for and wondering about. The phrase that's running through my mind, in relation to receiving bad news is, "From now on, everything's different." And I'm readying myself to have that be the title of my next blog post.
So yeah, I realized tonight that I am really nervous about this ultrasound. I guess it's because the only ultrasound experience I've ever had showed our miscarried baby. I know this one is doing fine, generically, because I can feel the little bugger moving around. And my belly is poking out. And I'm still pregnant. Stuff like that. But what if they say, "Look! Twins! Oh, nope; it's just one baby.....with two heads." I don't know what the statistical chances of that are - I'm guessing fairly low - but what if? Is this something I should be aware of the entire second half of the baby's time inside me?
As crazy as this may sound to everyone who has had ultrasounds for their pregnancies, I liked not knowing the first thing about Zoralee. Of course, the whole time, I was resigned to idea of losing the pregnancy, but that's just because I'm a pessimist; I wasn't necessarily agitated about it, and I had no specific knowledge to hang my fears on. But this pregnancy - geez, I'm freaking myself right on out. If my baby doesn't have problems yet, I may just will them into its life by the power of suggestion, poor thing.
I'm also afraid they're going to say I have placenta previa, or any other number of potential problems. Wouldn't I like to know?, you may ask. Nope! Because from what I read, many cases of placenta previa work themselves out by the time of delivery. And I don't want to worry about it unnecessarily, which I will do if I know about it, sure as the sun doth shine. If there is a problem, it's better to know now and monitor it than to be surprised in labor, especially a home birth. Cognitively, I know that.
But I am feeling like a real ostrich-with-her-head-in-the-sand kind of girl right now. And I'm nervous and pouty about this ultrasound tomorrow.
9 comments:
dude! i hear you. good luck tomorrow, keep us posted, i'm sure everything is hunky dory normal!! The PP fear is from reading about me--sorry about that. xoxo
Praying peace over all your fears tonight. It'll be nice to know that everything is a-okay in there. Milo Kurtz is a case-in-point with the placenta previa. OH my goodness, I bled like crazy all over a hotel couch all of the sudden and they sent up a little bellboy with a tampon after we called down to the front desk to fill them in on why we were leaving so soon. So funny way later. I thought it was all over, but now look.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this, especially when you need rest, and the worries keep the sleep from coming. You probably inherited the head-in-the-sand tendency from me. Sometimes that's good, but I've also found that I can deal with any bad news that comes once I know it's a fact. I hope things look better this morning, and I hope everything turns out well with the ultrasound. No bad news, just good news, and relief and rest for your mind and body and spirit. I'm praying for you, and sending lots of love. Wish I could be there.
...thinking of you...
p.s. was there a reason for the twin thought???
Peace and love. Your little bean will be safe :)
It is amazing the things that pop into our minds to steal our joy. It happens to us all and is magnified by pregnant hormones. I will be praying for you today. That you will be able to redirect your thoughts to all the joy this new little babe will bring to your household regardless of the condition. Lots of love to you friend :)
I love you, sister. You and your crazy brains.
how did it go?
Melissa - - I'd been thinking about placenta previa a lot ever since I first met with one particular midwife at the clinic. She insisted that determining PP was a valid reason for an ultrasound. But when I read a little on it, it didn't seem so, especially so early on in the pregnancy (unless, like in your case, there is more chance for it). So, it wasn't you that made me nervous! Though I was surprised when I first read your post about it - the phrase hit me hard, since I'd had it on the brain.
Shana - - I had wondered about twins because of feeling movement so early and feeling so much larger quicker. But I know those are two common things after the first pregnancy. Between us, Jason and I have three sets of twins in our families over the past several generations. Plus, I was actually hoping for twins as a way of fast-tracking the family building. :)
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