After I put Zoralee to bed, I found myself hemming and hawing around the house and distracting Jason from his reading with random tidbits of conversation. I was on my way to bed, but came back to ask Jason if we should find out what the sex is if it turns out to actually be two babies. We decided probably not. If a surprise is a surprise, why aren't two surprises two surprises? Then I said that if we find out something's wrong with the baby, like seriously wrong, I want to know the sex. Jason asked why. I wasn't sure. As I'm analyzing now, do I think a less than perfect baby isn't worth being surprised over? No, I don't think so. I would just want to know the most I could about the little being I was praying and weeping for and wondering about. The phrase that's running through my mind, in relation to receiving bad news is, "From now on, everything's different." And I'm readying myself to have that be the title of my next blog post.
So yeah, I realized tonight that I am really nervous about this ultrasound. I guess it's because the only ultrasound experience I've ever had showed our miscarried baby. I know this one is doing fine, generically, because I can feel the little bugger moving around. And my belly is poking out. And I'm still pregnant. Stuff like that. But what if they say, "Look! Twins! Oh, nope; it's just one baby.....with two heads." I don't know what the statistical chances of that are - I'm guessing fairly low - but what if? Is this something I should be aware of the entire second half of the baby's time inside me?
As crazy as this may sound to everyone who has had ultrasounds for their pregnancies, I liked not knowing the first thing about Zoralee. Of course, the whole time, I was resigned to idea of losing the pregnancy, but that's just because I'm a pessimist; I wasn't necessarily agitated about it, and I had no specific knowledge to hang my fears on. But this pregnancy - geez, I'm freaking myself right on out. If my baby doesn't have problems yet, I may just will them into its life by the power of suggestion, poor thing.
I'm also afraid they're going to say I have placenta previa, or any other number of potential problems. Wouldn't I like to know?, you may ask. Nope! Because from what I read, many cases of placenta previa work themselves out by the time of delivery. And I don't want to worry about it unnecessarily, which I will do if I know about it, sure as the sun doth shine. If there is a problem, it's better to know now and monitor it than to be surprised in labor, especially a home birth. Cognitively, I know that.
But I am feeling like a real ostrich-with-her-head-in-the-sand kind of girl right now. And I'm nervous and pouty about this ultrasound tomorrow.